I sit with my face hung,
And wonder if there is anyone,
Who could kiss me goodnight when the day is done.
I am a product of inadequacy, pain, heartbreak and rage.
And I know who the fuck I am and I’m going to be.
I’d just like to ask what was it that I DID wrong.
Because clearly I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world.
Not to my old life
Not to attempted lovers
Not to my past lovers
Not to my future lovers
Not to my old friends
Not to my current friends
Not to my mother
Not to my father
Tell me, how am I supposed to deal with 18 years of being pushed away and neglected.
18 years of not being good enough.
Do not tell me I’m supposed to be the salt of the earth to everyone who showed me that I’m not even worth a grain of it.
Fuck all of you.
I am now an adult.
I do not care about anyone else unless I see fit.
I do what I want, how I want, when I want.
I do not care who I harm in the process.
I do not care who I lose in the process.
This is my time now to stop worrying and caring about people who have not cared about me the way I have for them.
I do not care about peoples petty bullshit and problems that they will get over in coming weeks.
I am now out for myself and my own realistic problems, like getting a job, a car and moving out and finishing highschool.
I am now growing away from a boy, which I still am, and becoming a full-fledged white knuckled man and I will do it with the help of people I want in my life.
I am now happy and content with my existence.
I woke up with that sickening feeling in my gut. The one I only get on the first day of summer. When all the memories and work have been laid to rest so I can start again.
Another summer of staying up on lonely nights and thinking.
Another summer of going for walks at three in the morning.
Another summer of dreading sun rise from the night I dreaded staying up for.
Another summer of getting to know myself better then the last.
Another summer of something and nothing, without everything.
The same summer I’ve some how spent once but so many more times.
Just another goddamn summer.
But as of today, i’m going to look for the world. And i’m not going to do anything about it but i’m going to wait for it to find me. So on the day of August 26th, 2013 I can hopefully say I found what I was looking for and I still don’t exactly what that is.
Fuckin’ L I need to stop thinking I’m profound.
I’m as happy as I can be.
Because without the life I’ve been given, there would be no me.
And self destruction isn’t a path that has been taken by what I know as my only family. And no matter how much I need or give myself sympathy, that the times I’ve gotten may seem like the worst but someone is looking at those and saying “They’re better then these”. Through all my failed entries, times I lost my keys, gotten bloody knees, even there over the horizon where I see abandoned cities and rotted trees and how I feel like my life is some sort of sadistic trapeze, I now truly see.
That no matter what, there are so many reasons,
for me to be happy.
I was alone.
And burning inside out. I’m scared of what I used to be will be what I am.
It’s not going to be alright.
I find it funny I’m getting the messages I am because I’m usually the one sending them.
I just have so many fucking thoughts in my head that I want out. And all day everyday I feel a sense of guilt and rage inside of me. I’m going to fucking snap I know that much. But I’m not going to kill myself.
So I really appreciate the offers but I’ll be fine.